Q: Isn't empathy just "coddling" my kids?

A: Empathy should not be confused with coddling. Coddling rescues kids from feeling the consequences of their actions. It treats them as if they are weak and in need of protection. Empathy, on the other hand, sees kids as strong and capable of handling their consequences. Empathy sees mistakes as opportunities for growth, not rescue.

Q: How can I keep from becoming angry when my 10-year-old won't do what I ask him to do?

A: First, it is important to recognize that we want our kids to learn to be motivated internally rather than externally. Using anger, nagging, reminding, etc., to motivate kids will actually create an unhealthy dependence on the parents.

In encouraging internal motivation, considering using targeted consequences. If you are angry about your son's lack of motivation, give him a consequence that is connected to his motivational issues.

For example, if he struggles to finish his homework or go to bed on time because he is playing video games, you may want to consider restricting their use. Be empathetic, but firm. When he doesn't respond to a request, calmly let him know that his video gaming seems to be creating a problem for him and that you are going to restrict his use of them for a time. You will lift the restriction when you are comfortable he can manage his time better.

He's not going to like these consequences, of course, and that's ok. Just try to reflect his feelings back to him and listen to him when he tells you why it will hurt. You are not going to change the consequences, of course, but it will help him if feels he has been heard and understood.

To schedule an appointment with Lee in his Fort Worth or Dallas office, please call (469) 878-9967 or email llong@restorationcec.com.

Lee Long

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