Nothing raises our blood pressure like disrespectful kids! But as our children struggle to become independent, they will at times be disrespectful. How can we encourage the independence our kids will need to leave home one day while addressing disrespect when it arises?

The first place to start is to recognize God has arranged a hierarchy in the family in which children are under the authority of their parents (Eph. 6:1, Col. 3:20). But children aren’t the only ones who are called to treat authorities with respect (See Rom. 13:1-2). Everyone has to answer to authorities of one kind or another in their lives-teachers, coaches, bosses, government officials, and, most importantly, God. So learning to respect authority is an important life lesson.

If we want our kids to respect others, we should model that behavior in our own lives. If we want our kids to respect their mother, we should respect their mother! When you get pulled over by the traffic cop, show him the respect he deserves. Provide an example for your kids to follow.

Disrespect vs. Discontentment

Let’s talk about the difference between disrespect and discontent. We all have times when we are upset about certain situations. How many times have we complained about getting a speeding ticket, paying taxes, or facing increased gas prices? 

It’s okay to allow your children some room to express honest feelings-as long as it does not turn into a personal attack. Our tendency is to dismiss our kids’ feelings by saying, "It’s not that bad," or "Quit complaining... have you seen everything I do around here?" This usually causes our children to defend their position more strongly! You might be surprised to find that being empathetic usually results in more respectful responses from your kids.

However, there is a point when continued discontent becomes disrespectful. At that point you may have to ask, "Do you think it is a good idea or a bad one to continue complaining?”" If they choose to continue, you will have to follow through with a consequence.

Addressing disrespect takes time, energy, and consistency! Many parents fail to follow through with consequences because their schedules are packed with activities or they want to avoid conflict. But when we fail to address disrespect, we are not honoring our God-given authority. 

In addition, we may be setting our kids up for failure because outside authorities will usually deal with disrespectful behavior more severely. And, most importantly, teaching our kids respect for earthly authorities prepares them to respect the ultimate authority, God.

Responding to Disrespect

When a disrespectful statement is made, consider asking your child, "Can you think of a way to say that more respectfully?" Sometimes, they are unaware how their words are perceived. 

Even though they may have said some hurtful things, try to keep the focus on the disrespect rather than your hurt feelings. This may not be easy, but it avoids sending the message that your kids are responsible for your feelings. Instead, focus on teaching them that disrespectful actions and words will result in unpleasant consequences for them.

When you respond to disrespect, the calmer the better! This gets their attention, especially if you are so quiet they have to lean forward to hear you. You may not know what the consequence will be at the time, but make sure you immediately address the fact that disrespect has occurred. The consequence can wait until you have a chance to cool down and discuss it with your spouse or friends. But you should always address disrespect right away.

Avoid Angry Responses

When we are angry or loud when we respond, we often take the focus off their disrespectful act and make our anger and yelling the issue. Many kids enjoy the sense of control they get in manipulating their parents emotions-even if those emotions are negative. 

Also, our anger may engage our child’s adrenaline system-the "fight or flight" response-which distracts them from the lesson we want them to learn. By remaining calm, quiet, and empathetic, our children are much more likely to concentrate on their choices and the resulting consequences.

Although addressing disrespect presents challenges, it can be an opportunity to look at our own hearts as we teach our kids valuable lessons about the Christian life.

Chris Goff