One emotion we just can’t avoid in parenting is anger. But while many of us think of anger as a “bad” emotion, that’s not always so. Sometimes anger motivates us to take needed action. The Bible says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin” (Eph 4:26). The emphasis isn’t on eliminating anger but on expressing it in a godly way. We help our kids when we teach them how to express their anger in constructive and healthy ways.
Mishandling Anger. In The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents, Les Carter and Frank Minirith explore some common ways people mishandle their anger. The first is by suppressing it. In a desire to avoid the painful and destructive aspects of anger, some parents try to bury it inside. Characteristics of suppressed anger are:
• Avoiding necessary conversations that might lead to conflict
• Letting hours or days go by without telling anyone about a hurt
• Holding onto resentment
• Appeasing others just to make conflict go away
Unfortunately, suppressing anger keeps parents from addressing important issues with their kids and can lead to resentment of them.
Another way people mishandle anger is by expressing it in an aggressive way. This way of handling anger shows little or no regard for others.
Aggressive anger includes:
• Blunt and abrasive speech
• Physically abusive behavior such as shoving or throwing things
• Insulting words or foul language
• Asking loaded, demeaning questions (“What’s wrong with you?”)
• Accusations or blaming
• Being judgmental when opinions are expressed
Aggressive people assume they won’t get their way unless they overpower others, but in the process, they damage family relationships.
Being passive-aggressive is another way anger is mismanaged. The passive-aggressive person creates frustration and disharmony in the family through quiet nonparticipation or behind-the-scenes “sabotage.” Characteristics of passive-aggressive anger are:
• Ignoring people or tuning them out
• Chronic “forgetfulness” or not following through on promises
• Laziness and procrastination
• Being chronically late
• The “silent treatment”
Passive-aggressive parents create frustration and resentment in their kids.
Properly handling anger. A healthy expression of anger respects everyone’s worth, feelings and thoughts, including your own, and treats others with dignity. Anger is expressed in a healthy way by:
• Speaking confidently, but remaining calm
• Being specific about your needs, rather than vague and general
• Knowing when to say no and being firm in that decision
• Talking about difficult issues in a respectful tone of voice
• Following through with what is right even when there is opposition
• Sticking to good plans instead of being talked into unwise decisions
• Clearly explaining what you will and will not do
• Setting clear boundaries
• Following through with consequences
• Addressing problems quickly, as opposed to letting them simmer
Be Authentic. If you want to accept your children’s feelings, you need to accept yours first. It’s okay to let your kids know you are angry or upset. Just don’t make it an unfiltered release of your emotions – communicate your feelings in a respectful way. When you do, you are much less likely to be resentful or explode in disrespectful anger. And in the process, you help your kids learn how to acknowledge their feelings while taking the concerns of others into consideration.
Communicating Anger through “I” Messages. When you’re angry, it can be tempting to make statements that label your children’s character, ability, or personality. “You are so lazy!” is an example. Statements that begin with “You are . . .” are likely to be perceived as attacks or insults. Instead, start by saying “When I . . .” followed by a description of what you see and feel. For example, “When I ask you to stop playing a game and I’m ignored, I get very frustrated!” Or, “When I see the ice cream left out, I get angry that it is going to waste.”
Turning Anger Into Insight. When your anger wells up, try asking yourself why you are so angry. What pushed your buttons? Anger can highlight issues you need to address. Are you angry because you believe your child’s behavior reflects badly on you? Are your child’s actions triggering insecurities from your childhood? For instance, if your parents favored your brother or sister, you may find yourself getting angry when your child wants your spouse to do something with them instead of you. If you weren’t recognized in academics or sports, you may crave that recognition for your kids and become angry if they are not excelling in these areas. Observe yourself for a week and note the situations that trigger your anger. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal vulnerable areas. Recognizing when we project our needs onto our kids is essential if we want to develop an empathetic relationship that allows us to walk alongside them and enjoy their experiences.
Take a Break. When people get angry, the fight-or-flight response is often activated. As the body prepares us for action, blood is diverted from the brain to our extremities. The result is we do not think as clearly! Recognize when you or your child are emotionally overloaded and take a break to calm down.
Ideally, families should be a safe haven where life lessons can be learned in an environment filled with unconditional love and truth. When parents encourage and demonstrate the godly expression of emotions—including anger—they lay the groundwork for their children to develop healthy relationships.
use for newsletter