The opposite of the rescuer is the dictator. This is a parent who is so focused on boundaries that bonding is neglected. Like rescuers, dictators don’t want their kids to make mistakes, but for entirely different reasons. Avoiding pain isn’t their primary issue; instead they try to prevent mistakes by maintaining tight control of their [...]

We saw an example of this with a teenager who went off to college. During the semester, he scheduled a trip to see a friend at another school. He made his reservations with the airline and took care of all the arrangements. His mom, anxious to make sure everything had gone all right, called him [...]

When rescuers lose their relational “balance,” it is almost always toward the bonding side of a relationship. They have trouble establishing boundaries and following through with appropriate consequences. Rescuers are anxious when their children make painful mistakes, so they hover, protect, and try to rescue their kids from pain. They are motivated by love, of [...]

Bonding is the ability to be close to another person. Boundaries are what make us distinct from other people. We need both in any relationship. We can get so bonded to someone that we lose our identity in theirs, but we can also erect so many boundaries that we are unable to have close, meaningful [...]

We have to stop holding on so tight to our design for our kids. Children eventually leave home, and our job as parents is to help them get ready. No matter what age, they become more independent each day. It’s a healthy process that we can either assist or resist. When we help them discover [...]

When our oldest son Ben was three, I noticed he was left-handed. That was pretty exciting for a dad who loves baseball. I imagined him playing first base, where lefties are always in demand, and maybe even pitching a little. I had big dreams for my new lefty. I coached Little League for six or [...]