Q: Is it wrong to let my kids know when I am angry?
A: Actually, it’s important for both you and your kids to acknowledge your feelings. Emotions that are avoided have a way of surfacing in problematic ways, such as angry outbursts, passive aggressiveness, drug abuse, cutting, anxiety, and eating disorders. Our goal is to teach our kids how to communicate anger in a respectful way.
A friend once said that emotions are like a horse. You have the reigns and you have to lead the horse. If you let the horse lead you, you may end up somewhere you never intended to go. Expressing anger in a Christ-like way takes practice and humility, and your example will be the best teacher.
Q: I have been coached to use “I messages” with my kids when I am angry, but that seems like I’m making everything about me. Is that true?
A: Actually “I” messages are a great way to communicate. When we get angry, it can be tempting to make statements that denigrate our children’s character, ability, or personality. “You are so lazy!” is an example. Sentences that start with “You are . . .” are more likely to seem like attacks or insults. Instead, start sentences with “When I . . .” followed by a description of what you see and feel. For example, “When I ask over and over again for you to stop playing a game and I’m ignored, I get very frustrated!” Or, “When I see the ice cream left out, I get angry that it’s going to waste.”
Q: I want to be empathetic when my kids are angry, but they are so immature. It feels like I’m encouraging irresponsible behavior.
A: Your kids will be much more likely to hear your concerns if you take the time to acknowledge their concerns first. When we immediately point out the errors in their reasoning, they feel invalidated. Be willing to look for the reason behind your child’s anger. If they are mad about your rules, perhaps it’s because they want to be seen as someone who deserves trust. Validate their feelings through reflective statements such as: “You’re angry because you think I’m treating you like a little kid.” Then you can state your concern: “I just don’t feel comfortable allowing you to go to the movie without an adult.
