Fourteen-year-old Mandi was a good student who was well liked by both her teachers and her friends. Her mother, Janice, often heard glowing compliments about Mandi’s behavior from other parents.

But at home, another side of Mandi emerged. Spending time with the family seemed to annoy her. She frequently responded to questions with irritation and, on occasion, outright disrespect. Her parents knew they needed to address her behavior, but were afraid to do anything that might shut down the lines of communication. 

One morning before school, Janice asked Mandi if she’d like some breakfast. Mandi rolled her eyes and replied, "You are always bugging me about something! Chill out, Mom!"

Janice said, "Sounds like you’d rather figure out breakfast on your own. I wonder if there is another way you could say that?"

She heard Mandi mumble, "Whatever."

On the way to school, Mandi said, "After school, I need you to take me to get some make-up. I am almost totally out of blush."

In light of their earlier conversation, Janice felt resentful. She wanted to say, "You are acting like a spoiled brat!" This, however, usually led to an escalating argument. To encourage respectful behavior from Mandi, Janice knew she would have to start by respecting herself.

"You know, Mandi, normally I’m happy to take you to run errands. But remember our conversation this morning? I’m afraid I’m not willing to do favors for kids who are disrespectful."

Mandi replied, "Oh Mom, I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it."

Janice said, "That’s great to hear."

"So can we get the make-up after school?"

"Not today. When you show that you can be respectful consistently, I’ll reconsider."

"How long will that take?"

"I don’t know…that’s up to you. I sure hope it’s sooner rather than later."
  
Mandi’s apologetic attitude quickly turned to anger as she replied, "What do you expect me to do without blush?  This is SO unfair!"

Janice thought about all the times in the past when she had failed to follow through with a consequence because she wanted to avoid conflict or Mandi’s anger.  It hadn’t produced respect or appreciation.  Instead, the same situation kept cropping up over and over again.

Mandi’s attitude didn’t improve that evening or the next day, but the next evening, Janice began to notice some positive changes.  She volunteered to clean up the dishes.  She quit rolling her eyes and looking exasperated.  Even better, she kept it up over the next few days.

When Janice picked Mandi up for school later that week, she said, "I really appreciate how respectful you’ve been the past few days.  I would be more than happy to take you to get that blush now."

Mandi smiled and Janice noticed something she hadn’t seen in quite a while... a look of genuine appreciation.

Michelle Groff

Principles into Practice