Q:  My father was a dictator and I tend to be a dictator. What can I do to break the cycle of dictatorial parenting with my own kids?

A:  When we dictate to our kids, we are usually trying to prevent failure. Although motivated by love, the message it can send is, "You are incapable and in need of direction.” Most of us want to raise responsible kids who are able to succeed on their own. Dictating is counterproductive to this goal because it tends to foster either rebellion or dependence. Ultimately, we want them to be dependent on God, not us.

To break out of a pattern of dictating, we have to recognize the value of experience and be willing to allow our kids to make mistakes and suffer the consequences of their decisions. This may cause us some anxiety, but we all learn valuable lessons from trial and error—your kids need that chance, too.

Most importantly, we need to learn to be empathetic. This means listening and trying to understand the situation from their point of view rather than simply focusing on getting a task accomplished in your way. Change is tough! Lean on God in prayer as you let go of your desire to control and dictate.  

Q:   It seems like being a consultant dad is as much about asking questions as giving answers. Would you agree?  

A:  Absolutely! God has created each of us in a unique way, but often we want our kids to think just like us. Asking questions is critical to gaining a better understanding of who they are, how they see the world, and how to motivate them. In addition, questions encourage kids to think for themselves and develop problem-solving skills. Too often, parents do all of the thinking for them. A child is much more likely to be invested in a solution if it was their plan or idea, rather than their parents’. 

To schedule an appointment with Lee in his Fort Worth or Dallas office, please call (469) 878-9967 or email llong@restorationcec.com.

Lee Long

Q&A